Questions I ask myself often

questions i ask myself often

what have i done?

why do i feel this way?

what did i do wrong?

why am i the way i am?

why can’t i be nicer? more likable?

why can’t i find love?

why am i here?

what am i going to be?

am i a good person?

Do i make a difference?

I miss what we used to be

just knowing you used to make me a want to be a better person, hearing your name made me think of all our talks and good times we had together, hearing your name made me smile. but now, hearing your name just brings a big searing ball of hurt and regret in my chest. Sure it’s been awhile but remembering all those good times we had together, the spark that was always there when we were together, and the way i used to feel about you, remembering all that makes it harder to forget you and at the same time intensifying my pain.

one of those nights

tonight is one of those nights were i am at my lowest. theres a numbness in my heart that i can't comprehend that sit there bubbling near the center of my heart. It leaves me wondering why do i feel like this and what can i do to stop this. I leaves a second from glassy eyes and a sob in my throat. what power on earth does this to me?

i can't think

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backstabbers,

people can be deceiving. one moment you think you know someone or it least know what kind of person they are and they one thing that changes you whole perspective of them....Sometimes it can be for the better, but usually it isn't. Most people know this because they backstabbed by someone close. it sucks. IT REALLY SUCKS. It seems like a ritual into become a mature adult. You gotta know how to deal with the pain and everything and how to control your emotions. It's all about control. The backstabbers know how to control their reputation and their moods but sometimes they slip up, then its up to control our moods, our tempers, our anger.

Sigh the lessons life unknowingly teaches us...

creation

this is my secret diary, that isn't so secret, but yet it is. Its amazing how open it is to the world, that anyone can see it. but no one does. thats okay though, cause this is my creation

I'm posting on this blog, now constantly for the past 12 hours? haha not much since most of the time I was sleeping, but still. Now Im at school secretly hoping that someone will see what i am doing and be curious. Of course i wouldn't tell them what i'm doing but im hoping they will be curious enough to find out on their own. thats the point of blogs. you want people to care. so why don't i want people to see it?

I. Am. Afraid. i am afraid of what people will think. What they will say. But most of all i am afraid of someone actually understanding me, my thoughts, my wanting to be noticed, my wanting to be special, my wanting to find self worth. It's scary knowing someone can know so much about you. It's like they know your most secret desires that seems so complicated to you yet someone they can some it up in just a few sentences.

I guess thats another reason to post stuff on this blog. to write down my thought and try to make some sense of them and what they mean. I can never understand myself, or maybe i do, i don't know. and THAT is the most frustrating part of all.